Health Care Summit Translation (for Democrats & Media Elites)

• Before you read this I must point out that this is a SATIRE. A fact that is being missed by a considerable number of readers.  Progressives, try not to blow a gasket.

Surprisingly, Democrats are at a loss to comprehend the elegant simplicity of the Republican position in yesterday’s health care summit.  Having understood every facet of the Republican position due to my long history as a Republican, I will now translate this logical approach for Democrats whose liberal elitist education and time cavorting with the “Mainstream Media” has left them unprepared to recognize TRUE logic when they hear it.  The Republican position can be described in ten basic, non-elitist points:

Number ONE. Mr. President, thank you for the invitation to come to this summit.  We look forward to demonstrating to the American people all of the outstanding ideas we have contributed, which Democrats have been ignoring for almost a year now. The American health care system is the best in the world as evidenced by the fact that it is ours and by the fact that everything that we have is automatically the best. To claim otherwise would be both unpatriotic and un-Christian. Remember Mr. President, America is watching you! And when we say America, we mean Fox News.

TWO. The Obamacare proposal amounts to a government takeover of health care because it is a 2700 page monstrosity. Such a complex plan could never function within a complex system like ours. We need to start over on a blank piece of paper.  Start over.

THREE. The American people have rejected the 2700 page behemoth that is the Obamacare plan.  If you add up a bunch of unspecified poll numbers, it will bear-out this…truth. The American people could never accept a 2700 page plan that is little more than a government takeover of health care. The American people want to scrap the 2700 page plan and start over with a blank piece of paper. Only with blank sheets of paper can we prevent the bankrupting of Medicare. We need to secure Medicare for our seniors to prevent their having to rely on some kind of government run system. Start over and go step by step. Start over.

FOUR. The American people want to ensure that the 2700 page monolith that is the Obamacare nightmare must not be allowed to destroy innovation in America by raising taxes by $500 billion. The $500 billion in new taxes would burden our small businesses and prevent job creation. Ignore the net $1.5 trillion savings projected over 20 years. $1.5 trillion is not nearly enough to offset the $500 billion in new taxes unless you believe elitists who know math. The American people don’t like elitists. I know that because I’m a representative. I was elected to represent stuff.

FIVE. Obamacare weakens our focus on terrorism and crotch bombers and earmarks.

SIX. Mr. President, the Congressional Budget Office cannot be trusted to get these numbers right.  Granted, your plan will save us over 1 trillion dollars if you believe them.  Huh? What’s that? I cited the CBO for most of MY legislation?  Well OF COURSE I did! They’re the authority on this sort of thing. Okay, never mind.  Anyway, who needs a trillion dollars?  Just start over.

SEVEN. It’s 2700 FREAKIN’ PAGES, man. Did we say that yet? THAT is as substantive as it gets!

EIGHT. We need to start over. Take a blank piece of paper. In fact, the Headquarters of Office Depot is in my district.  Take a truck-load of paper.

NINE. The bill is too complex for reconciliation. I even acknowledge that WE have used reconciliation for things like this but that doesn’t mean that you should. Even if you could—which I disagree with—technically, 2700 pages is far too much to be handled by reconciliation.  If you start over, you won’t need reconciliation AND you’ll save 2700 sheets of paper. Saving paper is GREEN because it’s good for trees and animals and stuff like that.   So as you can see, starting over can help the environment and reduce the impact of the global warming hoax at the same time.

Number TEN. Thank you for inviting us. We appreciate the chance to tell our side. The “Mainstream Media” elites don’t let us present out side. Even though Fox News tells us every 5 minutes that they have the biggest audience by far, that does NOT make them mainstream. Mainstream shall heretofore be defined as NOT THE BIGGEST, which means the 2700 page puss-bucket catastrophe you call a bill is definitely not mainstream because it IS the biggest. It’s 2700 freaking pages man! Did we mention that? We need to start over with a blank sheet of paper and go step by step. If you act while our supplies last, we’ll even throw in the paper and some McCain/Palin 08 bumper stickers (for a nominal handling fee). If we can agree on that, then this has been a very productive summit Mr. President, Thank you.

This has been a public service translation.

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